Texas Transplant & Snowbirds
You transplants that are new to Texas, are about to experience “Texas Winter.” This is 6 or 7 days of cold, maybe some ice and snow. The weatherman will threaten snow. It may snow, it may not. If the weatherman says 2 inches, it could be 10” or it could be 1/2.” It doesn’t matter how much snow it is. We’ll all freak out because we don’t see snow often.
The threat of snow (or ice) from the weatherman is your prompt to head to HEB, if you are blessed to live near San Antonio, to buy milk, eggs and bread. It doesn’t matter if you need these items. It’s just what we do. Everyone will be there.
You’ll also need to make a mad dash for faucet covers. Finding them and getting out of the store will be like an episode of the hunger games. You’re in the redneck district.
Don’t look for a sled. You won’t find one. In the rare chance we get enough ice or snow to sled, grab some cardboard or a trash can lid and go find the nearest hill. Yes, we know it’s not a hill. You live in the flatland, just go with it. You’ll be alarmed by the fact that you’re “sledding” towards a bar ditch, fence or maybe into a farm to market road. Just go with it. You’ll be fine.
We don’t have equipment to handle the winter weather. The roads will be a mess and even though the state has been telling you for a week they’re ready, they’re not and it won’t work. Just stay home if you can and if you can’t, just come to terms with the fact that nobody here knows how to drive in snow and ice.
Whatever you do, DO NOT talk about snow tires.
If you happen to slide off the road or get stuck, turn your flashers on, take a deep breath and wait. Two guys in a four wheel drive truck will be along in no time to offer assistance. Don’t try to help them, they live for this stuff, and will do what they can to get you back on the road. If either one of them screams “hey y’all watch this,” just get back and get your phone out and start recording, you’ll probably have a viral video. Also of note, when they offer you beer and deer sticks, don’t be rude, take them and smile.
No matter what you do, don’t talk about how they did it back home in any of these scenarios. Nobody cares. You live in Texas. Texans know they live in the greatest state in the country and it’s our way or the highway.
When we act like we’re going to die and start to complain about the 7 days of winter, just shut up. We’re serious and we don’t care how much you love it. We don’t.
You’ll be back in shorts and flip flops in a week to ten days. It will be nice until right around Easter.
Texas “second winter” will be 2 or 3 days and will hit right around Easter, usually the week before, or the week after. This will be the time you plant flowers and a garden. We know you’re not from around here when we see you’ve planted flowers before Easter and before the “second winter” has hit.
This is why all the people at the nursery don’t sound like us when you’re shopping for plants. We know better.
During second winter, it’ll go from 70 to 25 and you’ll experience all four seasons in one day. This too shall pass. Get used to it and when second winter is over, you can enjoy the 3-4 weeks of “spring” before summer gets here. It’ll be melt your face off hot until sometime around Halloween.
