shadowokie
New member
I thought the retirees (including me) on here would enjoy this AS MUCH AS i DID so I'm sharing.
> ALL YOU RETIREE'S WILL LOVE THIS - AND THOSE OF YOU NEAR RETIREMENT.
> This is cute
>
> And They Ask Why I Like Retirement!!!
>
> Question: How many days in a week?
> Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
>
> Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
> Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
>
> Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
> Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
>
> Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
> Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
>
> Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
> Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
>
> Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
> Answer: Tied shoes.
>
> Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
> Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
>
> Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
> Answer: NUTS!
>
> Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
> Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
>
> Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
> Answer: Normal.
>
> Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
> Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
>
> Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
> Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
>
> Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
> Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
>
> And, my very favorite....
>
> QUESTION: What do you do all week?
> Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING...... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
>
> SERENITY
>
> Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
> 'How old was your husband?'
> '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'
> 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
> She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
>
> Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
> 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
> She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
>
> I've sure gotten old!
> I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
> I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded,
> and subject to blackouts.
> Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
> Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank goodness, I still have my Florida driver's license.
>
> I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission
> to join a fitness club and start exercising.
> I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
> I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired
> for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
>
> An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
> First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
>
> 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
> 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
>
> My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
> Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
>
> Know how to prevent sagging?
> Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
>
> It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
>
> These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
>
> THE SENILITY PRAYER:
> Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
> the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
> the eyesight to tell the difference.
>
> Now,
> I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe
> 10 others. Oh phooey, give it to a bunch of your friends if
> you can remember who they are!
>
> Always Remember This:
> You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
> You grow old because you stop laughing!
> ALL YOU RETIREE'S WILL LOVE THIS - AND THOSE OF YOU NEAR RETIREMENT.
> This is cute
>
> And They Ask Why I Like Retirement!!!
>
> Question: How many days in a week?
> Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
>
> Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
> Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
>
> Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
> Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
>
> Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
> Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
>
> Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
> Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
>
> Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
> Answer: Tied shoes.
>
> Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
> Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
>
> Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
> Answer: NUTS!
>
> Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
> Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
>
> Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
> Answer: Normal.
>
> Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
> Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
>
> Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
> Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
>
> Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
> Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
>
> And, my very favorite....
>
> QUESTION: What do you do all week?
> Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING...... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
>
> SERENITY
>
> Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
> 'How old was your husband?'
> '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'
> 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
> She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
>
> Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
> 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
> She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
>
> I've sure gotten old!
> I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
> I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded,
> and subject to blackouts.
> Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
> Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank goodness, I still have my Florida driver's license.
>
> I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission
> to join a fitness club and start exercising.
> I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
> I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired
> for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
>
> An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
> First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
>
> 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
> 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
>
> My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
> Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
>
> Know how to prevent sagging?
> Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
>
> It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
>
> These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
>
> THE SENILITY PRAYER:
> Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
> the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
> the eyesight to tell the difference.
>
> Now,
> I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe
> 10 others. Oh phooey, give it to a bunch of your friends if
> you can remember who they are!
>
> Always Remember This:
> You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
> You grow old because you stop laughing!
